Why Am I So Enamored by My Reflection on Zoom Calls?
“Oh, would some Power give us the gift to see ourselves as others see us?”. Quote from Robert Burns in 1786, considered the national poet of Scotland. Born in 1759 in Alloway, Scotland.
I am not a vain person. I find I can only look in the mirror to check myself out for a fraction of a second. I just can’t believe the reflection in the mirror is me. I think of myself as a young girl, but what I see is a mature lady. So why is it when I am on a Zoom call, I seem to only want to stare and talk to myself?
I remember during Covid, we were all hopping on video calls just to hang out and not feel so isolated. Every time I accepted a zoom call I reflected on my favorite cartoon when I was young, “The Jetsons”. Jane Jetson, would put on her morning mask before showing herself to her caller. When I saw my face reflected on the screen for the first time I wished I had a mask, or at least more makeup! As the call would continue, instead of really listening to my friends, I found I was critiquing my appearance. Forget the sound of my voice or the subject manner, “Do I Look Good?” I would wonder when I was staring at myself, are my friends doing the same? Are they staring at themselves? Or are they more astute than I am and more comfortable in front of the camera’s lens? I learned when on Zoom calls, people look at themselves 70% of the time because speech is only 30% of the interaction.
Because I have hearing problem I signed up for classes to learn how to read lips and expressions better. Arm gestures, the movement of eyebrows, head tilts, compressed lips are all things to be aware of when speaking to someone. On Zoom calls I had to pay attention to facial expressions to keep up. Some examples of facial expressions: a raised eyebrow can mean the person is asking a question, emphasizing a statement or an emotion. A slight head tilt is the most confusing because it could mean the audio lagged and they are not hearing anything. And then there are the Micro-expressions that show disgust fear, contempt, many times expressed when their nose wrinkles.
My other issue is my voyeuristic problem. I seem to fixate on the background of my friend’s home’s. I critique how they painted their walls, the art they display, if they Zoom from their living room, bedroom or kitchen and are they neat? Also how they position the camera, are their faces centered, or only partially on the screen, illuminated, or in shadow. Are they playing with their hair, itching, nodding too much , and not paying attention to the conversation. Then there are interruptions that occur like random people appearing on the screen. There is a high level of intimacy when you share your screen. Plus, on Zoom, or FaceTime, I get self conscious and nervous trying to make eye contact with multiple people! Plus there are those awkward silences in conversation. Where do you, “LOOK”? So uncomfortable.
There is a new phenomenon called Zoom Dysmorphia, or “disproportionate preoccupation” with video call appearances to the point of anxiety, distraction or avoiding logging on altogether. The article linked below speaks to issues about feeling uncomfortable in video meetings because we are trying to look perfect. People get distracted seeing themselves on screen for fear that others are staring at their “dark circles”, “Pimples”, “Weight”, “Clothes” etc. I also learned that Plastic Surgeons were being booked up at record numbers.
I get on Zoom calls to connect with other people, but I end up spending the time watching myself. I’m checking to see if I look engaged, if I look old compared to my friends, am I nodding off too much? Am I wearing too much makeup? Is the background interesting? Did I set up the lighting right? And the big one, did I turn on mute, because some calls are just dull!
I hope that you are looking forward to my next post on Party Fatigue.